9

10APR2009

If I’d just stop worrying about if my life is good enough, my day, my moments ..
The reason K___ is confident has to do with his being loved, kept, cared for, by someone, somebody, other than himself. I can‘t imagine such a thing, not really. I can only imagine the story of it, because I‘ve seen in on TV.
Seems like the reason I am not confident is because I wasn’t loved and for no other reason.
Don’t wait for love.
__________
　
12APR2009

.. (eight in the evening) I almost killed myself again, standing outside, wondering .. Feeling the pain of being so alone in the world, and feeling pain about leaving for the next leg of deployment ..
Then I went to C____ to take out the trash, and was opening the gate, in the midst of this sadness, thinking about K____ and how he isn’t going through this.
He could skate through his life and I’ll always have to fight in mine.
But K____ wants to go to Iraq, remember, and so did I, technically ..
K____ comes from family, of course he’s okay with leaving for the final, longest leg of the deployment.
But I’ve always been on my own, so wherever I go, I’m there, I’m never actually leaving anything behind.
I paused, as I thought this to myself, and it was over, the sadness gone.