Looking back, it seems fitting that the first time I had a real chance to win over the numbness, I failed so completely and miserably. That failure facilitated everything in my life following that year. The year with E__ and M__ was like a big Break from my life, and I treated it as such during the year, despite all the signs that this was not right and I needed to somehow return to Life.
It was like a fever that I secretly enjoyed due to its delusions, but which left me exhausted and confused in the end. I had thought that since June 1st had happened and later the Roaring gone, that I was okay now. I didn’t know that it was merely a period of clarity, and not yet my life.
Then there was the poetry. Always words would prove to be Numbness’s greatest foil. To be able to voice the moment, means to take the moment back.
It means there is still separation between the moment and the one experiencing the moment, from the story and the one experiencing the story, no matter how harrowing or horrific the story is.
I heard an old woman say .. People pray each in a different way.
It’s the secret to the Creation of a Soul’s Light.
__________
I wish I had been Matured enough to understand:
(Some write.)
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