2

02SEP2009
　
Getting out of my mind and getting out of the House -- are the same thing.
I couldn’t have fought upfront in the House. H__’s emails reiterate that. The more information they have, the more fuel they have to keep the insanity going.
I handled it correctly. I gave them nothing, let them assume everything, and walked away.
__________
　
03SEP2009
　
Sch_____, a friend of mine, giving his logistician’s philosophy:
_Please and thank you. That’s all it takes and people will bend over backwards for you. Just by being polite. If you’re an asshole, all demanding and shit, you get nothing._
__________
　
04SEP2009
　
K___ was actually good at basketball and played on organized teams thru the 9^th grade.
(What being loved, and being athletic, must have done for his confidence.)
With the entitlement comes a sense of belonging, without that sense of belonging I then lose the entitlements.
Like earlier when I felt I was representing. Like when K___ and M___ were talking about their boyhood baseball days.
__________
　
05SEP2009
　
Because I was guarding the door (playing around with M____) and K___ was putting away laundry, shirtless, and talking to me, I got a good look at his body. It’s got all the same imperfections as mine. Huh.
Lately when I compete, I don’t feel that familiar House-embedded insecurity when my opponent gets the upper hand. I’m Tougher that that, and can come back strong.
Everything I do is what a boy does. This is the life of a boy.
__________
　
08SEP2009

When I’m Boy, when I’m Him, Focus, Universality, being-present, and feeling-each-moment, becomes second nature.
It’s deeply assumed. Being, suddenly becomes assumed.
Abuse’s purpose is to take away from the human being his or her’s entitlements as a human being.
Studying, studying, studying Abuse, Violence, Morrison, Tolle, Tantra, Vanzaant, films, Depression, psychiatry, psychology. documentaries, etc, etc, trying to learn my life back together, forcing myself to analytically make sense of it.