Friendship Established, 1

13JUN2009
　
(night)
Last night in the shower trailer, P_____ said he’d heard a rumor that I was going out on mission with 3^rd platoon on Sunday to the market.
I joked like I was cool but really I was excited. It seemed awkward to talk about it with K____ so I didn’t. I figured I’d play it cool and not say anything at all, and maybe balance the scales with K____.
If he ever went too far with his stories I could just drop how I’d been out already and make it out like going outside the wire was no big deal.
Seems silly I guess but it bothers me that he’s experiencing Iraq and I’m stuck in the wire. Sometimes I suspect it’s swelling his ego. Then I feel angry. It’s been f-cking with me ..
Afterwards, K__ came in from mission and our conversation wasn’t easy mainly because I was holding back so much. A normal person would just talk, in the moment, but instead I couldn’t say anything. He even directly asked me what was going on with me and I blew it off.
Then I changed my mind, and started talking, quick, circular, a few punch lines thrown in, I felt out of control, and just told it all. I felt insane and even said so, saying that the day to day monotony was driving me crazy and I wanted to go out of the wire if only for the distraction of it, just for something to do.
I seemed to be doing well and then decided to talk like a normal person about the Notes. I tried to explain that I had realized the meaning of life -- which he thought was funny and I played on it-- in the last couple of days but got stuck and was surprised ..
Later, back at my AO I was still angry and feeling a little out or control, cracking jokes, speaking loudly, and laughing a lot with Mace__.
Then SFC L___ came up and I began joking with him asking him how it didn’t drive him insane, not doing missions at all. It worked. 3^rd platoon requested a body for Monday and L___ gave the slot to me. Huh. If I hadn’t been in a talking-fit it would’ve never happened.
The only problem I had with the talking was how I would fall back on Larry David’s comedy rhythm. It’s pretty much all the comedy I’ve seen in the past week. That’s one reason I felt out of control. The unoriginality.
Maybe I got that wrong. I think when I talk I feel out of control. And when I feel like that I naturally start falling out of originality. I don’t know.