13

Tues. 19FEB2008
　
(evening) America was born from Abuse. So was I. Everything in its experience was aggressive, not True. Same with me.
America has always been a land of slaves. Slaves at different levels of slavery in a hierarchy. You think they didn’t want to live in a different land? But they had the sense to be their true selves (to remember), sexuality and all, and live their lives, pain and all.
I understood that at the core of American culture was Abuse. But I had thought that at the core of American Abuse was Economics. Economics was an added plus. Same as it was in the House. They did pocket a lot of money from all that work I did. But at the core of American Abuse was Sexual Humiliation. Hence, deep in the American word ‘n-gger’ is all of American history in one word.
__________
　
(23FEB2008, Saturday morning)

The real reason I’ve always looked for such supposedly strong women is because I knew I had a lot of aggression toward women and I thought if I found a strong enough woman I wouldn’t have to change. That’s how E__ happened. So independent, so intelligent, but she fell in love with me anyway..
__________
　
All of this – the art, the films, the photos, Him, etc. I’m learning masculine behavior, In the same way as a transsexual who knows he is a man must learn masculine behavior. It’s awkward at first, allowing the exact qualities that would’ve gotten me killed in the House to show through.
__________
　
(Tuesday morning)

Had dream about the House. Another yelling dream. I first yelled at H____, (‘Mama-from-the-show-Mama’s-Family style) then A___, then Mom, stopping the sexual abuse in its tracks. It not only saved me but also A__ and H__. The words I used were adult words, though.
Second time I had a dream about W_____ where it is about closeness. The first was about how whenever we sat together, in line or whatever, our arms and elbows always kind of overlapped. A brothers’ closeness obvious in little kid brothers. This dream we were just working together on getting some trucks started and getting out of this maze-like town.
Each dream plays out about something else, this last one was like a video game, but within each is the closeness, as if that’s the point.