I was exhausted after the House, I needed a freebee, a break, etc. But in real life that doesn't exist. You fight on, you unnumb. You have to accept the continuity of fighting, beginning to present.
__________
(Monday night, 3MAR2008)
Woke from NY dream again, where the city is a strange, seemingly deserted place. I am there with R___ and we have the same dynamic as little-boy-Eric and the Coach have in Mysterious Skin. We’re just picking up some things and especially make a stop by this one black woman’s house.
_________
(Tuesday 4MAR2008)
Woke from dream in which I realized that this male body, that was considered so good looking, was actually mine.
Laid there thinking about how I as a kid I used to look for men. Would want to be places where the men were at. So similar to how guys naturally look for women and women’s places.
What does that mean? I think that all that man-searching was me looking for Him, who turned out to be me.
There were never any real men around growing up, just R___ and a bunch of bad women. I still catch myself feeling disappointed that these men’s places don’t offer many examples of Him.
You’re the example. A change should have occurred by now and will inevitably where instead of looking for Him, you’ll be Him and be looking for Her instead.
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