Why can’t you be yourself? Why can’t you just think in your own voice; because I hate my voice; I hate myself.
Remember you’re living a Hard life, with no family, no one who has ever cared for you. It’s just you. And that’s okay, but give yourself credit. Don’t look at it twisted and feel bad.
My persona can be like bad acting. If I’d just be myself, I‘d be Him, that elusive person I truly am.
__________
Tuesday 17MAR2008
(at the restaurant) The best looking guy there had a meaty face like mine. He pulled it off by his being muscular and still having a proportionately small waist. He didn’t look old at all, he looked the same age as the others, he was just bigger. It makes me feel better about my somewhat oaf-ish looks.
Someday I’ll finally realize I’m one of the good looking ones; how many times do W___ and F___ have to tell me that?
__________
Sunday 22MAR2008
People like SGT H___ are so intimidating, even though he’s my age, not because of their qualities or superficialities but because of how obvious it is that somewhere along the way someone cared for them.
__________
When these notes happen, you have to write them. You have to listen to your feelings and thoughts -- that’s the whole point of not being numb.
__________
Do not be Affected and especially never be Affected. It is the opposite of universality. Something has got me Affected. Something I can’t remember.
__________
Sometimes I think of myself as ancient bones like the ones found deep in the Alps and Himalayas.
It’s grounding.
__________
It’s like my life stopped with the Abuse.
The self-esteem it needs so badly, taken before I could even pronounce the two words.
It’s like my body beats on without a soul inside. Like I’m dead but not dead and I don’t know which direction is the most self-honoring.
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