2

22APR2009
　
Went to breakfast with K____, then a briefing on EOF, got the numbers off everyone’s sappy plates and kevlars, then slept for a few hours, as did K____.
Went on an ice and water run, came back, K____ still asleep.
When he woke up, we went for steak and crab at the DFAC #2, played ping pong and I did well, then watched _Taxi Driver_ with K____ at the MWR facility.
K____ took a Zanax as the movie began. He impresses me regularly with how he has such control of his own happiness.
His occasional self-medicating used to concern me -- like for a moment after the movie when he told me he’d taken the Zanax -- but now that impresses me too: control of your happiness in the palm of your hand .. He was high, wandering the PX at midnight after the movie.
Afterwards, we discussed it outside, over his cigarettes. _You know what I did not long ago? Just guess,_ he said, chuckling. _I bought a unicycle._ He laughed. _I woke up in the morning, and found I wanted a unicycle, so then that same day I went and got one._
We laughed.
I said: _I think there’s no such thing as morality._
He looked at me, as he pulled on his cigarette.
_At all?_ he asked.
_At all._
(we continued walking)
_I don’t think Mace__ likes me much,_ I said.
_I don’t think I like Mace__, K____ said.
I paused, wondering if what he was saying was true or if he was making it true out of friendship.
It was a new addition to our friendship. The long looks in the eyes, trying to read our true meanings when we speak.
_He’s fake, _ K____ qualified.
_I tried to be nice to him._
_Why?_
_Because he’s weaker than me._
_I don’t get that._
_You treat Doc Wood___ like I treat Mace___.
You treat everyone like they’re weaker you, don’t you?_
There is a pause, then K____ laughed, then another pause as he looked out across the FOB. All desert and sand and Army equipment but mostly night sky.
_You want me to say that I think I’m stronger than everyone else?_
_It can happen. At Camp Bu____, when F____ and Mc____ were gone, I knew I was the strongest there._
_The officers -- I know they’re weak._
_And the enlisted? The NCOs?_
Another pause.
_I mostly feel sorry for certain ones. Like Fy____. I think all he has is this deployment. He’s ugly, dumb, not funny, without this, he’d just be at home, a nobody._
_Is that what you think of me?_
_What?_
_Is that what you think of me? Do I need this deployment?_ I said more seriously.
He paused again, trying to search me out.
_I think you need the college experience._ He laughs.
_So what about everyone being weaker than you?_ I asked.
_I treat everyone the same._
It hurt to hear that, almost, but then it didn’t.
There was a long pause as I swallowed the fact that there were no special considerations for me.
If I was younger I would want K____ to treat me differently than the others, like family does.
But I hate that about family, the dishonesty.
Time is the special consideration. He gives me all his time, and I give him mine. We’re battles.
All this went through my mind very quickly, and I said, light-heartedly as I could: _Huh._