2

05JUN2009
　
All the time, as I’m present, but interacting, I think: this is not my voice, this is not my laugh ..
__________
　
06JUN2009

(doing QAQC on HMMWV in motor pool)
Turns out there is a lot of things I feel inept at. So I become unmotivated and lethargic (unReal) instead of not feeling inept and seeing what happens.

It’s like I’ve been waiting for a good enough story to sink my teeth into (become present) .. a successful enough story .. One that doesn’t include the House.
K____ doesn’t always stay positive, accepting, rolling with, then relishing the moments. This morning he was told to collect all the Hemlocks during his off-time. Over the morning his frustration led him into an argument with the XO. He should have at least taken his own advice and laid low for awhile, now that he goes outside the wire pretty regular, despite the XO‘s aggression toward him.
In Focus I’m full of power, my movements, emanate it. That’s why my voice bothers me and pulls me out of being Focused. The two don’t match.
Lately it seems like it’s the fear that get me unFocused most. There’s no such thing as fear if there’s no such thing as loss of identity.
__________
　
　
08JUN2009
　
(going to sleep) I had worked an eighteen hour guard shift the night before, so I was to sleep all day and then sleep all night.
I woke somewhere in there, sleepless, watched some Curb, then lay there again in the dark, still, in a kind of half-sleep, starting up into nothing.
My mind said _You didn’t do anything wrong, you didn’t do anything wrong,’ over and over and my memory went back to the Mustang, to my violence and dislike of R__, my biological father.
It felt like some weight was lifting out of my body, and a stronger relaxation in its place. It felt like my body was melting into the mattress and I fell asleep. --
_To do bad,_ I thought just before sleep. _And not be wrong.
A child can’t process that.
By doing bad, he feels bad._
A solid self respect replaced the heaviness, my position on the bed changed, and I became Focused ..
I was woken up at midnight for a detail with Mace_ and when I came back and laid down, the same thing happened and I fell to sleep the same way ..