3

09JUN2009

(morning, while doing CQ with Mace__)
That therapist years ago told me a lot of my symptoms were of deep seated guilt .. The self respect is always thwarted by a sense of not deserving the Focus, the Masculinity ..
I casually trashed Kerouac, Kesey, and Thoreau in front of K____ today, making Mace__ laugh a lot.
K____ didn’t like it, but was good natured about it, because he’s picked up on the fact that I secretly love their books.
_I refuse to allow someone to explain Reality -- with a capital R -- to me who hasn’t known any hardship whatsoever, their whole life,_ I said.
I thought maybe I was bullying since K__ has known no real hardship and I felt apologetic. But there is truth in what I said. Tolle explains it from the point of someone from real Pain, like someone from African genocide, civil war, terminal illness, etc. Like the African woman in _The Brave One._ They are the wise ones, who had had Hell inside of them and pulled themselves out of their own aggression.
Thoreau, Kerouac, Kesey (maybe) only know that the aggression should be pulled out of; they don’t seem to have the life story to back up their credibility, and therefore lack credibility with me.
K____ noticed I don’t know how to joke around in a group; when we were doing the fire safety class with M__ and the rest of HQ platoon, I gave it a shot and he stole a look at me I wasn’t supposed to catch, like he was glad for me.