2

16DEC2008
　
I am so tired of being apologetic. No more, I’ll be myself; f_ck ‘em.
__________
　
24DEC2008
　
It's Christmas Eve. We got back late last night on Christmas pass. I didn't really have anywhere to go so I went and got my Jeep and took a room at a local Holiday Inn Express. I have been in the field for three weeks, only getting two to four hours sleep a night. It was luxury. I self-consciously put a lot of cream on my skin, and then put on a whole lot more, and this morning three weeks of soldiering looked all healed up.

I had to google the address I'm supposed to be at this evening and used the hotel's console. I stopped by brokenspirits even though I didn't have time to really read anything. I saw that JC was picking up my slack and I was grateful.

I have to do all my Christmas shopping today. I'm bad at it so I bought everybody Yankee Candles and put them in these nice gift bags. I guess you could say Bed, Bath, and Beyond saved me.
There's all these people who want me to spend Christmas with them but I don't want to so this afternoon I snuck by all their houses, put the gift bag on their porch with a nice card and escaped from town.

All day as I was shopping there were these women. They say if you don't use it you lose it. And I thought this was true. Due to the House and my own introversion I haven't used it in awhile. But having been in a front line unit surrounded only by guys for three weeks seems to have broken the rule. Their breasts are like torpedoes jumping out at me. Even the prettiest ones smile at me when I pass by, and hold their gaze. It makes me feel good. Like the things my past could've taken from me I still got.

I hit the road, to a friends house two hours away for a dinner party. I didn't know what to bring to a dinner party so I bought another gift bag and two more yankee candles, just in case I'm expected to bring a gift for the morning.
Then I stopped again at a grocery store, bought another gift bag, some dog treats, a bag of chocolates, and a Fat Bas_tard -- I guess that's what you bring to a dinner party, I wasn't sure, but I figured the merlot might come in handy, if only just for me.

I don't know them well and don't really want to be there so I called, told them I'd be late, and went to the movies. The girl at the booth was unhelpful so I had to buy a ticket for Transporter 3, then sneak into Yes Man starring Jim Carrey. It was a good movie. I learned something important about myself and had to pull out my little notebook in movie theatre dark.

People make fun of me for the crazy situations I get myself into. They make fun of me for always saying yes. Like this dinner party with people I barely know. It was before I really knew Jac___ or his wife. I only said yes for the adventure of it.

Once, I was in this waiting room, back when I was driving Miss Daisy regular (Ms M____), and she was in there for her doctor's appointment. I was alone in the waiting room but for this old woman who was talking to me.
I always talk to complete strangers, I think conversation about the weather and current events is a waste of time, like we're all play acting, so I try instead to get their life stories, and she incidentally obliged. She loved to dance and had danced all over the place locally with her deceased husband. She asked me if I wanted to learn some dance moves and I of course said yes.
　
I learned the tango, the chop chop, the cha cha, the electric slide, all to Miss Daisy and the nursing staff's amusement.

I could never articulate why I always said yes so I always felt embarrassed when I would be made fun of it for it. It's the same reason why E___ happened at all, the whole story, all that spontaneity, divorce and all. People with tragic lives become yes men and women. They've had to hold back, say no, miss out, be so cautious, that they always say yes when they can, there's too little opportunity to say yes to in this world.

There's something else I want to explain that I learned over these past three weeks but still don't know how. It starts with what I call 'all stories.' Something I learned, realized, about a year ago. I'm all stories. I could've been born anywhere, could have any story, any looks, any body, hence my story makes me no better or worse than anyone else, because it's all chance, and chance is meaningless, it's just physical, superficial stuff, because no story is better than another, no moment, so it doesn't matter, what matters is the person living it. Sometimes I refer to practicing this philosophy as ‘being Universal.‘
When I'm in this place I'm me, I'm myself, all my infinite possibilities, the me that doesn't identify with anything superficial, the one who's experiencing this life instead of identifying with this life itself.
Then there's Want. I've been confused by Want because it's so specific, it seems to go against All Stories, against myself.
I wanted things, I wanted to grow up to be a certain person, I wanted a certain manner, a certain masculinity, a certain way about myself, I chose these specific things without realizing it, I took on traits and values that I preferred, that I wanted.
I realized that life is always moving forward. That's what reconciles All stories and want. All stories is true, it's me, but I'm living, and Want dictates that.
To be alive means you're moving forward, always moving, always following your Want. But your Soul, whatever that turns out to be, stays the same. Hence your Want is still who you are, dictates who you are, as well as All Stories.
At certain times I have to get real still, I have to stop, and go back to All stories, take a breathe-er, then I'm ready to start living again, and I follow my Wants, which are soulful and true to me. Sexual Abuse thwarted by Want, turned it, twisted it, made me distrustful of it, even oblivious to it.

I got a lot of texts as I was going to sleep. I'm used to getting up at 4 a m, so I get sleepy early now. I even got one from runner03. I don't have a lot to say, other than Merry Christmas.