4

(Thursday night) 9-27-07,
　
The House was bad, it really was, there are no more excuses or deflective ideas that can hide that fact anymore.
And I am this grown boy who grew up there.
I had to tell myself I was good, remind myself, insist it to myself, even though no one else thought it or told me of it, no one ever loved me ever, so far in my life, not one person, I had to love myself insist that love despite it all, I did it on my own, by myself.
And so it was True Proud I ended up:
to honor myself to the point where despite all the evidence to the contrary still I listened to my own gut, my own instincts, my own intuition, honored myself in that way because of the true pride.
Incidentally I am true strong and true wise and true everything else because it all comes from I am true love.
Every motion every movement every action is true love and it is the only thing that will remain in this world long long after I am long long gone, the true love I am.
And how does this happen; it is due to the true pride I am, what sustained me, the true proud what they call violence, and they are right, that assertion I am that violence I am that was good and true and proud and violent love love love.
Me and Ms M__ went to a local Outlet Mall.
At this one point, I sat in the bathroom stall, wondering what on earth was happening to me.
Later we were driving back to my Hometown and I saw the flock of birds doing what they do every fall; they're not yet ready to go South but they are getting all together so that as the weeks go by the flocks get larger and larger till they surprise you with how they cover the sky.
When I saw the flock I could sense all the death. I sensed how few of us alive there were. How all those human beings and living creatures for all these thousands of years were all so gone gone, and how what was left alive was such a tiny fraction of the number that are dead.
I thought about all the dead birds, and how all that was left of millions and millions of lifetimes was just these birds here right now ..
Later, at the gas station in my Hometown, I'm standing there at the pump wondering about these things.
I again wonder if I'm still going to kill myself Saturday. If I'm so much, and life is so little, what is the outcome? What’s happening to me.