6

27JUN2009


I came back from a TCP mission at 0500, worked out, and lay down at 06. It was my first time as a gunner outside the wire.
SFC L____ was TC, and was good, and Mead__ was our driver, who kept falling asleep at the wheel.
I had a good seven hours on the gun, so I cleared my head:
.. I’m so self protective .. I can’t even think clearly when I feel strong emotions.. It makes me so distrusting, I couldn’t even speak to K____ .. I’m so self-protective I can’t articulate anything, I’m so afraid of what the words are and what they mean or if they’re correct or not ..
I did well on the gun. At 08 Lo___ and Jor__ began building their own walls inside the tent, now that mine and K__’s area was so nice. They used skil saw and all, so I got up, and there was K____, still angry.
I sat down in his chair and spoke honestly, which is why I can’t remember much of what I said.
Whatever it was just rolled off the tongue. This time I could articulate.
I said it made no sense for him to be angry, when he is the one who won. The friendship was deteriorating and I cared more than he did.
He started being cocky, arrogant, in his behavior and he didn’t care and I did. I’m the one who was so frustrated by it. I’m the one who was hurt and not him. So he wins.
I didn’t want him to add it to his list of stories of people who inexplicably did him wrong, stories he tells with a lost, vulnerable look in his eye, like he’s not sure of himself. I said he was free to do as he saw fit.
To my surprise he believed me. He sat down and said in an apologetic way, _Maybe I did change, maybe I acted in a way I didn’t think I was acting. I don’t know .._
Friendship reestablished. Conversation flowed easily. I was more myself, the one that I respect and love, and not the ego-version.
We hung out all day, talked about everything as always, like it was before. The friendship seems stronger than ever, now that the trust is stronger.
Lots of laughter. K____ impressed me with that. After he said what he said it’s like a switch went off inside him and he was back, fighting over, friendship reestablished.