Dexter, 1

28JUN2009

Over the last few days, the words: _don’t give up,_ always in my head. It keeps me focused. It especially keeps the stories out of my head, I just hang on.
29JUN2009

K____ and I start talking and end up talking for hours. It was like that before. Sometimes we’re outside, accidentally talking till early morning.
K____ and I always check for the other before we head to chow, so we can eat together. This time we took Mos__ along. I made an effort to be more present, to not hide who I was, so I talked freely, and ended up telling the story about SGT F__ and his buddy working out at the same time as me everyday.
F__ is maybe a hundred pounds and his friend is odd shaped and fat. Both are incredibly weak and confidant about working out, which I find funny. The three of us had the loudest table in the chow hall, I had them laughing so hard, while K____ and Moser threw in regular punch lines.
Four of our own died in an IED 20 clicks outside the wire. The impact killed them, their bodies burned up inside the hmmwv.
K____ and I went to the aid station and waited until they told us they were dead, so there was no need for us.
Later we received the surviving element back into the FOB. Afterwards I realized I hadn’t seen Forest__. The casualties were all from his company. I hoped he was alright.
K____ and I sat out in the dark and talked about it, the war, the world, capitalism versus democracy, till two in the morning.
__________
　30JUN2009

(Early in the morning on convoy to FOB F__)
It’s eerie because of the deaths last night. Our gunner almost shot someone. Everyone’s on edge. The convoy commander was angry afterwards, because when the gunner was stopped from shooting, comments came over the radio as if the decision to stop him had been weak, especially coming from the commander of a Fobbit company (a company that is rarely outside the wire of the FOB).
I think of the dead and what they Know, looking down on me, and how if I’m not Focused, how Ridiculous I must be to them.