K____ became Ugly and it still hasn’t worn off. K____ has an Ego, same as everybody else, I guess. It showed up during ping pong, it showed concerning working out, then yesterday it showed while we were building the addition to Mace__ and mine‘s AO.
It reminded me of A__ and the Christmas Tree at Grandma’s house.
The anger was the same. He didn’t know much about building but acted like he was special in his knowledge because he was technically educated.
He was doing nothing more special than anybody else. Now it shows all the time, and I can’t be around him without me beginning a discussion about On the Road or Cuckoo’s Nest and implying the aristocratic spoiled positions of the authors with no Real experiences of their own to write about.
(Which is not my opinion but makes him feel defensive about his own position).
I best stay away from him .. I saw him walking to the tent after his shift as I was driving past in the hmmwv. I didn’t like his walk, quick, arrogant, ego-centricly self-assured -- Ugly.
I had this on my mind last night, trying to Focus as I showered and got ready to sleep, despite my inexplicable anger at him.
For one thing it put it on me to be the Him now, the Masculine, (Focused) one now, with no support or good examples from him to reckon with.
Most of all it feels like a personal betrayal. Our friendship was based on the fact that we were not robots. I made up for the fact that I had my own problems with numbness and ego by being a good friend and never going ego on him. But when he goes ego it is like a blanket of ego that doesn’t selectively spare me.
I know that the inexplicable anger has something to do with the strange lie he told me that once, about his going to the gym. A seemingly innocent lie, except it has no reason.
(It would be months before I realized I had a reputation on the FOB for having the body others wanted, including K__. This despite my assuming K__’s blonde, blue-eyed Third-Reich look was more attractive than mine.)
The notes are not my Focus. They clean out the way for focus.
In Kuwait I told K____ they were my Consciousness. Maybe the more conscious (Tough) you must be, (like in order to be aware of the machinery of sexual abuse) the more Focus you then need, like a kind of balance.
K____ is younger than me. I want to tell him, you’re not the first person to know stuff. You’re not the first person to have read Kesey, Thoreau, Kerouac, you’re not the first person to go outside the wire.
His ego is as strong as mine was that night at Ms M___’s with F____, telling about how I’ll have these strong dreams now and again that help me in an unusually timely fashion.
Ms M____ said, _Yeah, but, everyone has that. You’re not the only on who has strong dreams._
No matter how Focused I am, and how In Focus the scene, I tremble thru it, uncertain inside and stoic out, when dealing with K____.
___________
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