I was triggered in a way. This vehicle took a left turn near me, and I saw the girl inside, and thought she was nice looking; then I saw the guy, and how nice the vehicle was, and how young they were.
It felt like so much had been taken from me, all gone, just taken, gone forever.
I never get to be that guy, the normal guy. How many years did it take before I got a car that could be trusted on a drive outside of town, not to mention an interstate.
I know it's about who you are not what you are -- even if it is someone living a 'charmed' life. I get it. But that doesn't seem like enough. In the end it doesn't mean anything does it? Life is that unapologetic.
Even us who have walked through the harrowing, who have known the horrific, and always were Present in this world, despite those days and those years. But it means nothing.
Even after all the years paid, the great costs that truly Good lives require, paid in full, it means little. None of it matters.
'Cause there's this guy living the same life I'm living: he's nice looking with a nice vehicle and nice clothes and a nice girl -- except he didn't have to pay the great costs.
If a girl walked into my life and looked around she'd ask why there was so little? And what will I say?
My friends keep saying to me, 'go out, go out, go out,' but once I go out, on a date, to a club, to a dinner party, what am I supposed to say? How am I supposed to explain myself? And why should I have to? I shouldn't.
It’s expected. Some sort of a story to explain my lack of family, my lack of a past, my lack of 'high school' stories or 'childhood' stories, these supposed normal stories people are supposed to own.
All this is felt in a few minutes.
Incidentally, Eckhart Tolle's book-on-tape was playing in the vehicle. And the words: _ .. children who have suffered greatly often grow into young adults who are mature beyond their years. What is lost on the level of form [superficiality] is gained on the level of essence .. _
Just that quick it was all gone, and I was back, and the feeling gone.
I thought, _what just happened?_
And I laughed.
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