3

06MAR2009

(K___’s gone on to the next training event location)
It was the first Real clue he gave me about himself, out at the FOB, discussing SFC Be____:
_I think he’d let us get away with a lot .._ Then on that day trip to Walmart, telling stories about all he used to get away with .. his best friend’s mom and the joint on the bed beside the stain she flipped out about .. He knows he deserves all good things, even what the rules try to deny him .. That’s his happiness ..
When I have to be myself with people I don’t like. Have to be my cordial, enjoyable self, I find it dishonoring to myself, and I get stuck fighting. K____ sees it as being clever, and laughs at the joke of it with each success .. There’s something to learn there .. A new way of acquiring the freedom necessary for human dignity .. His behavior is pleasing to others .. In the House that intention was impossible .. Due to the assumed context of sexual abuse.
I knew it would hurt them the most – not having me, the Real me. But I cheated myself in doing so. Hate does that .. K___ likes weed .. Is that what getting high is about? It gives you confidence without feeling the need to earn it ..
Maybe you’re not supposed to earn Confidence.
Maybe it’s a human right, part of the original human condition.

__________



07MAR2009

K____’s words from last night (discussing Malcolm X and Thoreau at the Bar on the beach) are jarred in my head.
The idea to act free, want freely, feel freely, despite not being free – not having known freedom – that’s Bold.
How can that not be stupidity? How could that possibly work out? -- (I remember the 25^th birthday scars on my wrist. I would rather have died than be in-genuine) -- I have the tendency to think that paying the cost of not being free helped ensure the chance of Real freedom in the future. It’s erroneous.

Tom Joad waking in the camp, me playing violin that one time in my boxers, K____ playing guitar in the CP that one time – all these images of masculinity I have wanted for myself and therefore tried to replicate. Problem was, it was mine all along, I just didn’t know .. Now that I know, and change my behavior, there’s that sure sense that this is a bad road ..