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25MAY2008

I'm at a month long class for work, out-of-state.

All around me I see teenagers, young adults, even children, living these natural lives .. all around me all around me all the time.. And I never knew none of it, except brief, important moments,
And all these people, all around me, they didn't have brief moments, they had whole childhoods, years and years and years, whole lives .. How can I not take that personally? .. But I still don't. This Toughness reminds me I'm whole. And living a difficult life..

For most of my life, my life has been incomprehensible to me; now there is this understanding that has been flowing in and out of my thoughts.
It's all about being able to stay in-the-moment. No matter what that moment holds. Anything other than in-the-moment is numbness, unconsciousness. Triggers pull me out of the moment, and I recognize that, and stay anyway.

Whenever there is a challenge to my being in the moment, a Truth rises from deep inside of me to counsel me and keep me in the moment.

Like when someone tells me their life story, --- which happened between me and Rodriguez in the hotel room last week --- and I begin to become triggered due to the contrast between their life and mine.
I hold on, and from deep inside me come the words: _you deserved Goodness, and still do, so nothing has changed, there is no Loss._
And I am saved from being triggered out of the moment, and into Numbness, like I did that afternoon, driving home from W__’s house, crying alone to the windshield.

I learned this week, as this new understanding has been going in and out of my mind, that unfortunately, my main trigger is Sex. What more unavoidable trigger can there be.

Lately I have been facing the facts of my looks. There are scars. Usually, by being in a state of numbness, I would not have to face the scars. Now I'm rubbing cream into them daily, not out of a need for them to be gone, but a realization that I must take care of myself, I have to claim this body.

I face the fact that when I go to the gym there are teenagers more built than I am. When I was a teenager I was so malnourished I looked sickly. Then, when I was nineteen, due to a need to be a step removed from life, I got fat.
It's amazing how fat people can be invisible. Now I'm fit, but still all those years are gone forever, and I can't help feel that when I see someone eight years younger than me in a gym who is already there.

I still have a hard time staying in the moment, I just do it anyway. I haven't gotten to that place of peace.

I've been buying a lot of clothes lately, nice ones so I can look right for girls. Rodriguez and O__ drove me to local mall and insisted. It's new to me, taking care of myself. I look around at all the people I know here, and they all do it as if it's second nature: they dress well, they take care of themselves, and they don't think nothing of it. I cringe to spend the money.

All I want is June first again. The day I realized I always remembered. And along with that rememory I wasn't numb anymore. I was in the moment and every Truth was at my disposal to keep me there. It lasted about a week, maybe more, and it was gone, and I was numb again. It's memorial day weekend, almost four years to the day. I'm almost back there again, but unlike on June 1st, it doesn't feel easy. On June 1st it was easy, natural, a natural life.

I feel that so much is lost, and there is so much to be done, how I can accept this? Can I be so Humble?
The Toughness, my true self: the space around all my thoughts and emotions and pain, says 'Yes.' So now I go to bed. I will wake up from the usual nightmares, and I will feel the pain of them, but won’t run from them; I’ll Tough them out.