6

29MAY2009
　
When I’m Focused, Life is In Focus.
Memories of Jess__ and Eric__ keep on my mind, that teenage summer with her car.
__________
　
30MAY2009
　
Worked with Mace__ and Mea____ in the Ammo point.
Afterwards, back at my AO, K____ came by and we talked for awhile over cigarettes. The contrast was strong again, and I fell into Toughness to withstand it.
He told stories: His exchanges with Lo____, playing golf in the CP, doing some correspondence courses on the nipper net during his shift, calling J____ each night.
Then it was my turn, and I had nothing, and felt disconcerted by it.
Meanwhile I do have my own life, my own stories. Just look at the notes. I red a third of Kerouac’s On The Road in one day. This dead author is trying to tell me something, show me something. I’m benching over 200 lbs now, starting yesterday, a goal I’ve had for over a year. I’ve been focused pretty regular, and in order to stay that way I catch myself getting still, listening to my heartbeat, and focusing on the silence behind all the noise -- I think that’s what they mean by meditation.
So Buddha wasn’t so weird after all.
Also I could’ve told him of how I’ve won T__ over, and how I’m even feeling a new loyalty toward him, despite his dangerous nieve-ness and his higher rank than me. All that despite the scandalous controversy T__ and I were on opposite sides of.
But I told K____ none of this. I still don’t know how to engage and still be Focused, I just fall into Toughness. ..
After I lost Focus and fell into Toughness I worked in a connex by myself -- very muscular work -- looking for some NODs.
Then I was Focused again.