9

03SEP2008
　
Woke from dream where I was like a salesman in this small town. The town was
made up of a strip of store fronts on one side and a banquet setup on the other, in what would be the parking lot.
There were young people of all ages including a girl my age who wanted to go out afterward. They were kind of sitting around me as I 'dazzled' them with stories and hints at stories.
They liked me a lot, but in the dream and after I awoke, I didn't like the me in the dream: he was slick, and manipulative, and running everything.
_It was like I was a salesman_, I thought to myself, after waking up. It's bothered me all day, keeping me on edge. I really don't like how my dreams attack me in my sleep, so that I awake feeling guilty and on edge about things I didn't do it in real life.
I swear I don’t act like that in Real life, I’m just self-protective and overly formal because I have to be. There may be tendencies but all alive beings have all tendencies. Maybe there was a lesson learned.
__________
　
What F____ pulled, I’ve had pulled on me before. No one understands what it’s like to have come from that House.
E____ said for me to ‘just go out there, get out there.’ She didn’t understand that I had this hurricane inside of me, created by the House, that had a will of its own.
I joined the military trying to put myself out there, but look how hard it was to reign in the storm.
I lay here thinking about it, trying to find some loop hole, some error I made, but I can’t find one. I had little control of my life for those first twenty-odd years; the decisions I was able to make were the correct ones. But everyone blames me for it, everyone says it doesn’t matter that all that was taken from me, I’m still supposed to be like them.
I also had that instinctive, intuitive demand that people like me for me, the one experiencing my Story. I refused anyone who judged me first, before deciding to like me. Those people were about Story.
I couldn’t have people like that in my life, because R__, M__, A__, and H__ were all about Story. They were only friendly to me manipulatively. There was no way I was going to accumulate more people like that.
So I never felt the need to explain myself, just to keep trekking forward. I know the House is just Story, so when I think, how can so much be taken from a person? I don’t feel the Anger.
I remember the God I prayed to, and
I think: how can so much be taken from a person? The Anger is there. I did have the right sense of God -- something other than Human, something that was Life, that loved what was Alive, that loved me. How could it just stand idly by?
All the women I have known have been such ordeals. I know I was just a kid and that’s why. And if those same situations showed up now, I could handle it easily. But I still remember women as being ordeals, as being unfit to be around children ..
It’s others who have a problem with me, and they’re not Truthful. What do they know about anything? I had to do what I had to do.
I’m the one who’s okay .. I remember how I used to be Beloved -- not precious moments of clarity like it is now, but the innocent, pure, broad assumption of it.