(Deployment)
No days off, never anytime to recover or regroup, I’m having a harder and harder time dealing with the fact that I can never do what I want, I have to make friends with who’s there, instead of just going home and only having friends who were deserving.
I have to feel what’s appropriate instead of the way I actually feel. I have to write more and more and keep more and more of my truth to myself while showing a more and more competent and robot-like person to the outside world (the Army). How is this a sustainable existence?
19FEB2009
K____, in the hotel room:
_I mean they keep going on about how they don’t brainwash soldiers. But they do. They keep trying to tell them that this is a life, when it’s not, it’s not natural to wake up in sweat because you think you’re late for some formation when really it’s your day off and you haven’t had one in so long that your body doesn’t know how to be. And why would you then discuss the issue of brainwashing with the Army, why would you reckon with the people who are telling you what to think. You should think naturally and never f_ck with that._
I notice how K____ perceives the same things I percieve, he sees the Insanity of the Platoon, the unit, the brigade, but it doesn’t make him angry in the way it does me.
His anger lacks the anxiety. It makes me anxious, all this Insanity. Why doesn’t it bother him? Because the UnReal, UnRealness, Insanity, doesn’t matter. Remember, the Real days of my childhood can be added up to a matter of days.
I just have to hold on to them, spread them out, like how I taught myself.
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